if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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