I wanna bring you to show and tell
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
