hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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