omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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