Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
