i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
