Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
