i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
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Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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