i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
