I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
