Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
