I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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