Will you blow on my dice?
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
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