there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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