I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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