I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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