I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you win again, gameday.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
