when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
