i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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