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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
