Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
