Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
