I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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