Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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