I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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