she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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