Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
