Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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