Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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