when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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