Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
