we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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