Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Randomize
