I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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