I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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