just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize