I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
