Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
