I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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