nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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