i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
