I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
