My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
