I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
