her vagina looked like bernie madoff
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
