dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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