I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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