I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
