I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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