Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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