Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
