Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
