Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
