the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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