I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
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Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream