Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
