Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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