No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
